Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
no. you can't hotbox the world.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
