dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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