it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
