were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
