What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
