I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
