I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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