I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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