No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
