what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
