i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
