Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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