this beer tastes like vomit already
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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