i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
