in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
