Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
