I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
