does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
