last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
