I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
