dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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