Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
