watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
