literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
