im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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