I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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