This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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