im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
