wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
