remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
