it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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