Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
