Are we in a gay sports bar?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i out mim tonsoeep
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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