Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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