I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
