I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
