his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
