final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
