Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
