Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
