I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
