I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
