I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
