i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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