she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
