Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
