I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
