and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
