I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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