i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
