new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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