I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
