I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Couch. On fire.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
